My lack of self-esteem has affected my whole life. Most people have seen me as a person with great self-confidence.
Yes, we are many out there who have created a shell that we hide behind and that we even believe in ourselves.
Maybe you are one of them?
An easy way of finding out is to ask yourself;
–Who do you listen to?
Yourself or other peoples opinions about you?
I´ve been chasing
But really, I´ve been looking for myself!
I´ve been running around in circles without a map..
If someone with a bit of authority told me to go left I went left
When another inspiring person told me go right, I went right...
If I only had known earlier that I was Good enough!
I didn´t need to prove anything.
I could just have listened to my own heart
6 month ago I woke up and realised I still didn´t know myself.
My inner self.
All my life I´ve been afraid to open the door to my feelings.
No wonder I´ve had problems with relationships.
What happens when you start to follow your heart in the age of 55?
My actions sure did affect other people.
Should I stay or should I go?
When you decide to challenge your own fears you start to change in the eyes of your loved ones. It often results in a judgement from friends and family.
“Get back to normal please”
I have no intention to get back to “normal”
– I choosed to go.
I left my loving husband because there where no room for personal growth and we didn´t have the same glasses when it came to alcohol.
I still love him though❤️
I left in our motorhome.
The first month was terrifying.
I could not give myself love.
I didn´t trust myself in practical issues.
I started to blame myself for everything.
I´ve never felt more lonely.
The second month I started to meditate.
I spent whole days in nature.
I got help to identify PTSD
Slowly I could meet my fears
The third month I could rest in acceptance most of the time
I continued to meditate every day
I practiced to continue in silence even though I were judged for doing wrong..
I gave myself love every day.
The fourth month circumstances put me back to fear, blame and guilt again..
Choosing personal growth is like playing Monopoly.
Over and over again you have to go back to GO and sometimes you find yourself in prison...
It´s just a matter of keep going.
Pain is the price of freedom.
Even though I don´t regret anything, I realise my lack of self-esteem has affected more people than just me.
And that´s the reason I do this journey with myself now.
I´m not proud of everything I´ve done in life.
But I forgive myself because I know my intention has always been to do good.
Today I live permanently in a motorhome.
3 weeks ago I started another journey.
The journey towards Portugal.
With a purpose to continue spending time in nature, meditate and just be with ME.
I´ll tell you more about that in my next post.
BE YOU and take care.
And never let anyone make you feel you´re not good enough.
Kram från Feelgoodtanten